Tuesday, May 20, 2008

This Week at Lake Wobegon U

For some time Mr. B. has been amazed at the way things have gone at Lake Wobegon University. This recently stimulated an addition to the header of this blog:

"Raise that tuition, dig that gravel, buy that Coke, sell that soul..."

Perhaps this is the unofficial work song of the inmates at Morrill Hall?

The selling of souls is an old story - see Faust - and the Daily in their recent Spring humor edition used it well in fun-poking stories about OurLeader's ambitious aspirations. (Things are always funniest when there is a certain amount of truthiness to them.)

Selections (the names have been changed to protect the guilty) from the Daily Planet:

OurLeader Sells Soul, U Now in the Top Three

OurLeader sold his soul to Satan Friday, in a stunning move that further proves his drive to carry his school upward and onward into the top three of public research facilities in the WORLD [sic].

In admitting he "got in over his head with this one," OurLeader said after so much publicity for the Strategic Position campaign, it was time for something drastic.

"After all I've said, if I don't get this University into the top three, how will that look for me? he asked, perhaps for the first time, giving insight into his real reasoning for the campaign.

With the Devil by his side at a press conference held at Taco Bell, OurLeader answered a number of questions, such as: What the hell were you thinking?

For his part Satan called the deal a "win-win" and said that nothing bad ever happens when people sell their souls to him. Many at LWU are already clients, so why not the President?

"About the only one I've not been able to help is some nut named Bonzo who seems to think that affordable education should be a priority. Dream along with me. That guy is nutso."

Just hours after OurLeader had sold his soul to Satan, the Prince of Darkness distracted him with an all expense paid trip to the MOA.

"I sent him to the Mall with my credit card. That should keep him busy. Designer glasses, suits, we'll never see him again."

With the president out of the picture, Satan appointed himself president for life and made Lake Wobegon U the top public research U in the universe. It didn't take long for LWU officials to pledge their support to the devil.

"This is just fantastic [sic]" said OurProvost.

"I'm glad I didn't go to Iowa!" exclaimed Karlene Arney.

"Maybe I should reconsider rebadgerization?" wondered Kim Mahady.

"We will try to piece this together in regard to whether something serious has indeed happened here in regard to the so-called coup at the U by a double-dipping EvilDoer" commented Shark Rottenbread, LWU general counsel.

Rude Pfutz, HeadBeanCounter, was pleased: "Great, now we can sue. With the Devil on our side, how can we lose?"

And from Coach Brewski: "I want to sell my soul, too. For God's sake they're building me this stadium. I need to win some games."

Satan reportedly responded that there were some things that even he couldn't do.

University to Rely on Horse-Drawn Transit System

In a stunning turn of events, OurLeader unveiled a set of plans to implement horse-drawn transit along the Southern route.

It would operate on a new Green Way along Washington Avenue. This would help to make Lake Wobegon U a truly green campus with no need for chemical fertilizers.

It would be safe for students and gentle enough for hospital patients.

Furthermore, OurLeader proudly reported, he has worked out an agreement on this with Peter Bell and the Metropolitan Council. This was only made possible by the close personal relationship that OurLeader has developed with the Met Council and the mayors of Minneapolis and St. Paul.

Reactions to the plan were generally favorable.

"Just like the Budweiser commercials!" said an enthusiastic University MouthPiece, Don Walter.

"This is just fantastic [sic] " echoed OurProvost. "If this doesn't make us one of Earth's top three public research universities, then I'll have to take a job on Mars."

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