Saturday, December 19, 2009

Bach McStabber knocks out another
inflammatory piece about free smoothies
for faculty on Fridays.

[His parrot - Dr. Polly - lends moral support]

  • Subject: Bruininks ousted in coup by blogger
  • Date: 12/10/2009 2:59:30 PM Central Standard Time
  • From:
[From the University of Minnesota Daily Finals Week Edition...]

After an unexpected uprising by a disgruntled University of Minnesota blogger threatened the destruction of TCF Bank Stadium yesterday, University President Bob Bruininks has forfeited his title.

Professor Bach McStabber entered Bruininks' office in Morrill Hall around 9 a.m. He forced all those present in the office into a back room and locked the door, according to a source inside the office who spoke on the basis of anonymity out of fear of retaliation.

The source said Bruininks bravely refused McStabber's demands until the professor pulled out a remote car starter and said he had planted high-powered explosives in the stadium, strategically placed to demolish the entire structure.

University police arrived shortly after McStabber seized the office. Deputy Chief Mus Tache said Bruininks demanded they leave for the safety of the stadium.

"We could hear [McStabber] threatening to push a button," Tache said. "Bruininks asked us to back down."

Two hours and 15 minutes after he entered the office, McStabber released his hostages.

Curiosity drew a crowd of about 52,000 faculty, staff and students outside Morrill Hall, about 100 feet behind a wall of UMPD officers in riot gear. Bruininks announced he had given up his position as president.

McStabber, a professor in the Medical School, has taught at the University for 22 years. He operates a variety of blogs that are critical of the University's increasing tuition, construction projects, stance on light-rail transit and lack of free smoothies for faculty on Fridays.

The latest entry on McStabber's blog suggested his first changes as president would include cutting administrative salaries by 100 percent and severing the University's ties to UMore Park, a large slice of developing land the University owns in Rosemount, Minn.

Tache said no one expected the outspoken blogger had the capacity to stage a successful coup single-handedly.

Police said they don't keep up on McStabber's blog and therefore were not prepared for his actions.

"We'd never even heard of this guy," Tache said.

McStabber released a statement almost immediately after Bruininks surrendered. It stated the bomb threat was a bluff.

Bruininks helped police search the entire stadium anyway.

[Any resemblance to any blogger, living or dead, is purely coincidental.]

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